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Once again I can say yes back out of the hosptial.
Seems like I was out of the hospital for 4 days and then went right back in with the same thing and spent 5 days in ICU & in quarintine.
After scaring me with a procedure of srubing my lungs down from the inside out and a variety of other testings and procedures I was out of quarintine, and the next day in a ward.
Funny thing I was release two days latter with every nurse telling the Dr. I wasn't ready to go home yet, including myself, my partner and my friends. It didn't matter the Dr. still released me telling me it was more dangerous to my health to stay in then it was to be at home healing. Really the VA Hospital in Asheville NC is more dagerous to stay and heal in then my home with two cats and a dog. hmmm ok.
Even my partner beged the Dr. for me to stay as he works 12 shifts the critical care nurse he is for 17 years and yet the Dr. Ignored everyone and released me.
You know how scarry it is when your Dr. says that, and you know you can't even stand up to pee by yourself? Or you have no strength to walk into the kitchen and get a glass of water or make a meal for yourself?
On top of all that every nurse came to me with a list of things to watch out for and if any one of them happened to go back to the ER right then and there. One nurse said check out and then go back to the ER and check right back in, and we actually considered that. Okay it's officially my 2nd day out of the hospital and if it wasn't for my brother stepping in and living with us, I'd be back in the hospital again.
Being it is the VA I can always go back in and no one can say anything however my partner does not need any more stress, with chest pains going on daily.
He came home and found me in bed, the house amazingly clean, dinner done and thought I did it all. I woke up and said nope my brother did. He had to walk in and ask him as well what I did that day, and he said your looking at. He slept. I could feel a sigh of relief all the way in the bedroom, and felt his stress just disapate a bit as he was happy I was home, and not back in the hospital, nor did he come home having to take me back to the hospital. I will admit as I close it was great to cuddle up next to him feeling safe, and glad to be home.
Makes it a bit hard still as I truly didn't tell him how I felt, I told him what he needed to hear so he can heal, work, be less stressed and okay.
I'll make it, I'm not ready to go no where. My family has called from all over the world ready to fly and drive in here and had to tell them all no, as I can't handle getting up for too long, and talking is still very hard to do. Feeling the entertainer I would be uncomfortable and they would want me to talk which I couldn't do. So thankfully they all said they would wait. I just hope they really do wait.
Night all.
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Yes out of the hospital finally. Funny how phnemonia can not only get a hold of us, it can kick us and spit us to the side and take us for a long ride. Came to find out awhile back I had walking Phnemonia so when I couldn't breathe any longer as my partner caught me while walking up the steps to the house, we went to the ER.
What I heard wasn't what I wanted to hear, last time it put me in the hospital for all most 6 months which my Dr. even reminded me and said he would get me out of their sooner then that which thankfully he did. I'm still recovering seems as being up for 10 minutes is like running a marathon or something, yet I know I am getting better, that I can feel.
With it being spring time I want to hike, and garden so badly yet I couldn't do either right now if I tried. I'm doing my best to get back in to shape perhaps working a bit over what I need to, however I truly miss the woods and gardening.
Another thunderstorm just pulled in so I guess I best get off here before I get hit or something strange happens. Me and electric lets just say work together to easily.
I'll write more latter on. Hope all is well with everyone else and my friends.
Namaste'
Yuo
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I find it interesting in life how I can put out what I want without limiations and it seems to come my way, just the way I need it most of the times. My partner and I live in Asheville, NC we have a landlord that doesn''t care about his home here and just needs the rent money. Thankfully my old landlord found out we were back in town and she called me offering my old home in W. Asheville back for the same price which we took today and gave our months notice today. I've been tired of finding saws, glass, steping on nails, and all other kinds of trash in the back yard, it is definatly not safe for anyone to walk back there. We have improved his home a little however we shall see if they stay or I take them away with me.
I went to the doctor three weeks ago, and I tried writing about it and erased it and then again now I decide to write about it.
I found some things that bother me that I knew but it's funny when Dr.'s through things in your face they seem to get to you for a bit until you can release it and let it go.
I brought my partner with me this time to the Dr.'s office and wasn't ready for my Dr. to have the talk we needed to any way but we did. He want's me to take medicine now as things are not going to great the way he wants. I showed him how the numbers went up this time instead of down which he liked, however all numbers went up so he said to take another 3 months and check out a certain medicine and see if I would take it.
Then he proceeded to tell my partner that he hoped he understood that at any time I go to sleep I may never wake up because of some of the meds I take for pain now are so strong that my brain could just say ok sleep and I will. It kinda frightened me and then I Eoin said he knew that I could. I thought true he is a ER RN so he would know. But it bugged me as my Dr. hasn't just come out and said that to me. He said it is just getting worse and that it's my decision.
Well living with AIDS for so long and not being on medicine for AIDS for the last 10 years has done my body good I feel. Now I'm just not sure if it is time to go on them again or not.
However thanks to the flotation tank I get into weekly, I also asked to bring my morphine intake down which I have never done before. I see so much and feel so much good that this tank is doing for me each time I get into it.
I have noticed I am getting weeker and have issues opening bottles now, or picking things up like a gallon of milk being heavy. I think that is due to the lack of doing anything for the last 3 months as I've been sick and for awhile there got very sick, however I have over came that and feel like I'm back on the road to discovery of something new.
I know people think I am crazy, I am have documentation to prove it. lol
Well this is my quick catch up with everyone.
Namaste'
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Funny how time can move so fast and yet our bodies heal so slow. I've been going to a zero Gravity Floatation Tank now for awhile and I've been noticing a great difference in my pain level not just with my back, with my neuropathy as well. I have actually brought my morphine down some all because of this tank, Chiropractor as well getting me aligned right helps.
I've been having these dreams and seeing my life for awhile now pass in front of my eyes, like I am reliving my life all most all of the time. It's beginning to be a bit freaky and other times I wonder if some of it is from a past life time as well. I've been finding ways to deal with it, however for me it just seems odd.
Life has been getting back to normal a bit as I have had to stop everything I am doing and get one thing at a time to work. I have spent weeks and decided enough is enough and got a new cell phone, new home phone and switched services as well. Getting tired of everyone telling me that they are calling and they can't get through so that problem is solved now.
Tomorrow I have got to go into town and see about getting help to fill my oil tank up for heat as it is dropping in temp now. I've been a lot colder this year not sure why, however it's going right to the bones and I stay cold all day long.
I've been watching a lot of movies lately and all the gay movies I have seen so far are depressing. I'm tired of seeing suicides, being put down, or life being so negative as it hasn't always been that way for me. Sure there might be a time or two when things require my attention more as I am learning a lesson however the movies I have seen makes being gay all about drugs, sex, being cowards, etc. and I am over those movies. So I am on the search for some good gay movies if you know of any please let me know. As I am getting better even though I'm in bed a lot more than normal hopefully only for awhile longer I sure could use things to cheer me up not depress me.
I haven't taken Spot out for a walk now i over a week and feel guilty about it knowing that he needs to run and get out of the house too; I just am not able to do that right now. Even a small walk seems to where me out for the hole day and no one wants me to be out of cell phone reach right now. Lately it seems my memory is shot and if I can hold something into my memory long enough I just might do it, if I don't forget it. Notes don't help and neither does the digital recorder as I don't say enough on them to remember enough lol. Hmm guess I'll work on that one a bit more.
I believe I am in this space right now because I'm not doing enough to get my mind to even want to be active. I'm not a bar or drug guy no one I have ever meant at a bar or who does drugs do anything in life but work and go to bars, or drugs and no thanks. I've enjoyed my life, vacations, and everything else I have done and some of that is because I don't spend money at the bars or even go to them. Please don't think I'm putting everyone into a bar in that space I'm not it's just the majority that I see.
Oh well I'm just rambling time to end. Have a good day all.
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Wow seeing how time flys so fast. I hurt my back awhile ago so I've been seeing a chiropractor and getting massages as often as I can. Other wise I've been flat on my back healing,stretching and giving myself time to get back to normal whatever that may be fore me. Not really sure if normal would describe me or not.
I have notice this year that there seems to be lots of my friends just down in the dumps just because it's winter and I don't understant that. I think it's magnificent to see the change in weather. If it wasn't for the pain the cold sets in I'd be great!
I've been taking tie to float in a zero gravity floatation tank here in Asheville and have notice a tremendous amount of healing in all areas taking place. I've been watching my food as well and do the best I can for exercise, with it so cold I' have't been getting out to much.
Yesterday is was 2 all day and the heater never stoped, it constantly was working, luckily I was warm the whole time.
I've started doing a healing circle every other Sunday and for those in need doing it every sunday when possible. I've notice how our turn outs are getting larger, and larger which I am thankful for. People are always changing as you never know who will show up until it starts which makes it fun for me. I love the spur of the moment activities.
Well I haven't been positing that much here however I'll get back into the groove here as time goes by. One of those things were I'm just needing to take care of me first, and I believe I have stepped over a mile stone in a mulitude of ways enabling me to get back to all the things I enjoy and love to do.
More latter on.
Namaste'
Yuo
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Well its now 1:47 am and I am wide awake as I just work up funny how this seems to happen. Guess the good news is I went to bed early enough to get 5 hrs sleep which is a good thing, plus I didn't wake up at 12 midnight like normal.
Yesterday we went and seen twilight I enjoyed it, definately was a different type of movie and can figure out why all the tweens seem to like it. It's got that tween energy.
I've been thinking about teaching a class in February as I have had many others ask me about it and seem very interested in helping me get everything together to do it. I've gotten a professional writer, advertiser, sponser, and perhaps and organization that will in a way donate the space for the 60 6 week long class. I feel more and more being called to do this as more and more people come to me and ask if they can help me put it together. Intersting along with someone whos approached me to do one in GA. HMM
I haven't been feeling safe in my car since the tie rod fell off while driving it along with it making noises now. I think about letting it go, yet I like it. I mean 50 some odd miles on the highway and 40 in the city is great! Best thing is it is paid for. Thankfully my partner is a mechanic or understands them so he went with me to a shop who is now fixing it. Funny the things I have paid other mechanics to do is what this guy has to do all over again, the right way. He showed me how all the different people who worked on it didn't do things correctly, or finnish their work. One put in a front cv joint a year ago and never seeded it into the transmission. (don't ask I can't explain but was shown) and another who did the front end alignment actually four wheel alignment I found out only did two as you can't do the rear of my car. But the front two he never put a carter pin back in so that's why the tie rod fell off while I was driving it. So I had to buy two new ones and he's fixing that along with two other things he is fixing which I was greatful for.
I don't understand why people can not take pride in their work and make sure that they have done what they are doing correctly. When I teach a class I don't teach it half ass, I teach it for one to know what they are doing and to have faith in themselves. I'm getting tired of being taken advantage of with mechanics so if this place works out then I'll stay with them. God help the other mechanics because I am going to go ask for my money back along with filing grievencies with them. (I wish this blog had spell check)
Not that I am a vengeful person I am not, I have paid over $500 to have these issues fixed and now I am paying it all over again because they didn't do the job right and the parts have to be bought all over again because parts of them were lost as they fell off or got dirt and other crap into them because someone didn't put something in all the way. Sounds like a straight man... lol
All in all yesterday was a great day, even the news I got was great as I can feel safe once again behind the wheel of my car. I am not one to drive a car if I do't feel safe in it, and feel safe for others on the road with me.
Be confronting myself with death and explaining where I was at with my partner it seems that just that simple I was able to get through it once again. Funny how every doctor I meet seems to be pushing me to take meds right now, telling me what they will do for me. I point out their side effects and what they have done to me. Then they become speechless interstingly they don't seem like they want to acknowledge that other things then what they think can happen too. Taking HIV meds is a choice and its my choice not to take them right now. I think the shrink the other day was wanting to put me in because of not taking meds, however within the first 5 minutes he knew I was sound and he couldn't even if he wanted too. I don't see or understand why everyone else seems to be so scared for me and my decesion after all it is my decesion.
My partner says he is just watching me and seeing when I am toxic from the meds that I do take and is taking mental notes. Not sure what that means however like I tell him if things get to bad then say something, which he says he will. I believe I have shown him and he has seen as well by being a nurse that doctors throw medicines at us all the time for every little thing. I don't need meds for every little thing, some things yes but not everything. Eating right, drinking right, sleeping and exercise can do a lot for the body and I believe I do all those things, perhaps not enough however that too is changing.
We decided not to celebrate Christmas this year with a tree, lights or anything as of now. That may change just a little, I'm thinking it might be nice to have one strand of lights around the curtains on the main window of the living room, however we shall see.
Well I have got a lot to get done now, so thats for reading or following if you are.
Namaste'
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The last couple of days have been interesting in so many ways. I hope for snow tonight knowig that there is a good chance for it when I get up. I've been waiting for it patiently as time moves on since that is one of the reasons I live it here in Ashville, NC. I don't have to worry about the snow staying to long, however it's here long enough to enjoy it along with Spot as he likes it as well.
I met with my shrink today someting I believe we all need to have within our lives, an extra voice to say hmm really is that what you think, or feel? Where are you going from here? lol I find it funny half the time they just want to throw pills at you and I'm the wrong one for that. My shrink today found that out, however he is listening to me and I may actually get sleep tonight. Funny how hard it is to get doctors to actually listen to someone else besided themselves. Thankfully this one here is agreeing with me on what I feel that needs to be done, he made a few sugestions with medicines which I'll take into advisement. Still will have to check into it all myself as well to be sure of what I am hearing is truth and not fear talking. I find even doctors speak from fear points of view.
I haven't been out hiking as it's too cold, Spot has been giving me the eyeball as to say come on lets go. I may in a few days all depending on the weather and how I am feeling.
Life seems to have it's ups and downs all the time, never knowing which way is up or down and trusting in self and faith that all will work out for the highest good.
I went to a sound healing ceremony yesterday with Gongs, shells, etc and it was a very powerful experience. I don't believe anyone walked away without feeling a transformation within them taking place. It was very obvious that everyone was affected by this wonderful vibration music, I'm lucky I was able to go.
I have shaken my mode of depression and being upset about things I can not control. Funny how at times we hang around others who are stuck in this energy and it seems to wipe or cling onto you when your not watching. I have been feeling so much better in so many ways.
I m thinkig about starting a channeling class in Jauary or early February as I have had a lot of interest from many different people. I belive that could be a very, very good thing.
Well the sleeping medicine is kicking in, wow 10 pm and I actually want to go to bed. Here's hoping that I sleep more then three hours.
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Funny how little things can set us off on past lessons that we thought we have learned; all to revisit the lesson again. I went to the doctors just a short time ago and he brought up how my counts are dropping again. Now droping fast so he brought up medicine again. It's been over 8 years since I've taken them and decided back then it wasn't for me. After all having to take morphine for the rest of my life because of what the meds did to me, I just said enough. Deal with the issues and let go of the stress along with all the other crap out there or within (meaning within myself that I haven't confronted.) I did and I got better.
I've studied so many things and have helped others I believe and so I am told in a variety of ways to include death. I found it odd that we're having a talk about meds as he wants me to think about it again. Reminding me of the past - 17 years ago when I was in the hospital for 6 months fighting to get through. Obviously I did. He was telling me how he thinks my counts are going to be below 200 in a two months as they have been droping over 150 pts or more every two months now, along with all the other wonderful things that happened in the past. I told him I'd think about it and left.
My doctor knows me in some ways and in others he doesn't however he knows how to talk to me. I believe that's a good thing to have with your doctor. Clear communication that's free to say and talk about anything. After 5 years you tend to know someone some what, and when it's longer well you know even more.
I haven't been able to sleep the for awhile now, maybe 3 hrs a night if I am lucky unless I take a sleeping pill then I get 4 lol. So much on my mind, I tend to belive that I can let all the stress go once again that I built up in my life so I can move on past this and get my body back in order.
I've been through so much in the last 1.5 years that it's just my body reacting to all the stressers and what not. Realzing that I'm living in the future listening to the dr. as I have been thinking about "what would happen to me if I died? Who would take care of the cats, the dog, and my partner?" Not that he can't take care of himself or the others, however there is a part of me that doesn't want to leave him with my burdens along with concern for him.
So tonight I had to sat my partner down and talk to him about what was going on with me. I knew it sounded funny and I felt funny as I am the one helping others all the time on this issue or others. Now I was caught inside and couldn't see outside the box which I created for myself. Being able to talk about it with him so I could open the box and let myself out. He as well seemed to help open the lid as if to say come on this way. I knew it, and the way out, however I found it interesting that this is what I think of when confronted with death. I am not worried about me, I am conserned about the ones that I leave behind, and yet I am not for I know all things work out for the highest good of the individual(s).
I think sometimes lessons are repeated in life to help us grow above and move beyond where we are now. True I do have lessons to learn still, thank God for that - I love to learn. I think life would be a bit boring if we didn't learn new things.
So I decided to continue to be who I am. I enjoy hiking, photography, and a whole lot of other things, trust me it's a long list. The bigest thing to keep in mind is to be in the now, what now would I like to do? If it's rest so be it, and if it's to go climb mt. pisgah then thats fine too. All though that would take me a few days as It's Cold Out Side!
There's also a part of me that says work on my memory as I feel like I'm loosing it lately. Simple code for building websites I can remember and then I blink and it's gone. I almost don't want to blink at times for I'm not sure where I will be when I do. Seems like at times life is flying by so fast. When I do sleep it doesn't seem like hours it feels like days and my back is killing me as it hurts, like I have a kink in it for laying in the same place for days. Odd.
So for now life moves on, moment by moment which is how I like to live. I find it funny when someone triggers me into thinking about the future or the past how my brain, body, and my emotions start to act. It's not me... For me it's the journey, and enjoying it in progress
Just things on my mind...
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I've been up since 1 this morning working on our website and thinking about how wonderful yesterday was for me. My partner and I got the fence in the back yard just about completed lacking about 4 ft. I also was able to get the yard raked which I was glad for as thanksgiving is comming up which is a day we open our home up to our friends and their friends. I have done this every year, I feel it is a way for us all to come together and celebrate, chat and have fun for those who are here alone, have no place to go, or just want to get out and socialize. It's a fun way to stay in touch with our friends and make new ones.
I've been listening to the wind howl as it blows so strong outside. Hmm sounds like fun in some ways. :)
We celebrated a friends birthday yesterday as she turned 60 so that was definatley fun. I feel greatful for having all the friends in my life as I do. I know what it is like to be without any friends as for awhile I stopped making friends as I watched so many pass away from HIV/Aids/Accidents and other things. It can take a toll on someone and it did on me years ago. That's part of life though and it helps us grow so I am thankful for the lessons that I learn as they help me be who I am daily, moment to moment.
All we have is this moment and living in the moment is a great thing expecially when we allow ourselves to not only live it, but to enjoy life as well. I have found when we step out of the role of judgements, limitations, anger and step into the roll of unconditional love for all, Life is much more pleasent and happy.
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My HIVPlusMen
