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 Well Hello! Yeah I have been absent from my writing on this Blog. Well I have not written on any of my Blogs!
I have been trying to get my life in order! And just when I do I know it will be time to do it all over again. I know that I have learned that life is ever changing and do not count today what has not been promised for tomorrow!
I say this cause I realize that I am here for the time I am here for and I am able to learn some lessons the first time and there are some classes that I have to take more then once. Yet I am sure that that is Karma for all the lessons I have learned with out taking the class.
Now for those who understand what I said up above, I am glad. Now those whom have to ask what, who, when, this guy must be stoned or stupid. Well then wait a few years. I explain it to you when you get to be 45yrs old if you have not figured it out. And GOD willing I will still be alive.
Now I have been moving furniture for the last week. I am just about (pls pray I make it) to go to orientation class for the Orlando EMA Ryan White Planning Council. And thus made me move my desk into my bedroom. Even as one has to walk thru my BR to the bath RM. I have it on the other side of the bed and that is a private area. The way I look at it. Even if I do not ever get any info that may be labeled top secret. I am C.M.A. (covering my ass) beyond reproach! So since I did this I figured why not move the whole place around and give it a different look and feel since I figure after 7 plus years I will again put myself out there to see about meeting a few men to see about maybe finding some one to share my life with.
I figure that I got myself to where I like myself as well as Love, Respect, Understand, and last yet far from least I can spend time alone with myself! So after time and self revelations, I am perfect to be me! I wish I could find one to my perfect perfection. Yet what fun and how boring a life that would be. Life was meant to be lived with many differences. That’s what makes us HUMAN BEINGS. Now we are all perfect to our own perfection. Meaning perfection comes from with in on self. Who else can say weather another human is perfect or not. HANCE Humans in GLAS houses should NOT Throw stones. SO as the bible say He whom with out sin may cast the first stone.
Again that also applies to HE who is with out flaw may make the first comment.
Well I have blahblahblah enough and I like to get things out so I will BlahBlahBlah on here more. I figure most folks on this site understand my ramblings.
Thanks
ME
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 Well it has been a few weeks since I have blogged. No excuses. Just was in DC to lobby the house & senate for HIV testing monies. As well I am having this stomach problem. It hurts. And well I have been to two HIV doc's and a gastro Doc. Had a CT SCAN and a endoscopy. And they were all negative of anything wrong. I went for the endo today so I am really waiting on biopsys. Other wise they say all looks normal. What ever normal is, As well as I am sure it is not the same for everyone.
Any way I had a great time in DC and it was COLD !!!!!
And I went out to Dupont Circle as well as hung at a place called Freddy's right by the hotel. And man the SLEEP NUMBER BED. Well I want to figure out how to make some money so I can afford one. I layed my head down and was out in less then 30seconds. YEah well back home and turning and tossing for 15 to I get up cause I just can not find a position that allows me to drift off to sleep. Well Freddy's was a nice gay bar resturant. THe food was faboulas and the service left a bit to be disired. Yet the ambiance was too good to be true. I even talked to a guy who well thats his story to tell. Anyway I had a blast and well the fruit of our(the team that went there) efforts were well excepted and we had monies in the pkg for the CDC and testing. And now cause I am sure the powers that have NO interest (ie stake in the CDC) have carved it off the Stimuls . Well I really feel that early detection of HIV can stop it dead in it's track. See the problem is that folks do not know they have it till it is what is considered too late. Not to late to live for a good number of yrs. Just too late for all the folks that have gotten it from them. It is one diaese that can be stopped. Yes, It most likely will take more yrs to stop then it took to get this blown out. Yet knowledge of one statis can help stop the spread. When one know they have it they are responsible not to transmit it. And yes we are all human and yes there are some that will pass it for they are stupid,as well as vandictive to say a few. Yet to know you have it before you end up going to the docotr's and they suggest the big A test. Every man woman and child in the USA should get tested. NOT to label one this or that. TO say hey I got this and it is got to be dealt with in this way. I love you and want you yet you have to take all of me. LOVE IS BLIND AND KNOW'S NO BOUNDRIES!YEt we still have folks calling it the Gaymans cancer and too many folks do not want to admit that they may have cheated. Or that they do this or that behind closed door's.
COme on folks this is the yr 2009 and we have a Black PRESIDENT in the PEOPLE"S house at 1600 Penn. Ave Wash. DC. Lets stop all this BS.
Well now that I vented about my fustrations on this maybe I have made a differance and maybe I have not. Yet in my heart of hearts I feel I have and will keep making changes in my life to make a diffeance.
And of course I am really hot about the TAX breaks to folks whom make $70,000 + a yr. Why they got mony to pay taxes! WE THE (poor)PEOPLE DO NOT>
Another blog I am sure some day
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 Well It is New Years Eve! And I chosse this picture and called it my Sun Rise, Cause thats what it is. Each and every morning I wake I can look out my bedroom window and thats the sun rise I see. And you see to beable to see that sun rise each and every day is a blessing in it self.
I use to have my blinds closed and sheets over the windows cause I did not want to see that sun rise. Why I did not want to see it is because I use to still be up as the sun was coming up. YES!!! I was drinking and doing drugs. I am 45 and I did drugs and drank most of my years on this planet. I am not sure what made me stop or why I wanted to stop. I just stopped. YOu see it goes way back. Back to when I was younger and well it started with trying things cause my older brothers did things. And of course I wanted to hang with them and be like them so I did the weed and the coke and speed. Then as I got older I used it as an escape. IT made every thing alright. By alright I mean it took away the pain. THepain of lifes circumstances. Yeah well I went thru some shit thats a whole other volume in the books of my life the Craig I only know.(maybe some day it will be a series of books) well any way I started to smoke weed at 11 and do coke caine and sped at 12 yrs old. I would do it to feel that I was a big man. And then when I was a big man it help me get away from the pain. There is no real way to get away from the pains life gives us. We should embrace it and learn from it. I have learned alot of lessons over the yrs and I am sure that I had to go thru a few more then I can remember a few times more then I am willing to admit.
Yet again thats another story.
The reasson I am writing is that I am home alone on this NEW YEARS EVE. And no I am not lonley. I am home because all the folks that I use to hang with areout and parting and all. YEt I gave up the coke casine and I have not had a drink in about 3 months. I am going to be alone this NEW YEARS beacause I want to be sober going into the first day of the BEST year of my life for a long time. I am going to make it the best yr. ANd the following yr (GOD willing ) will be better and so on.
AN if I am alone each and every NEW YEAR I know it is because GOD wants me too be.
I was going to go to a friends home to celibrate. Then my fan belt broke. and I saw it as a sign to be that I should be right where I am. You see we all get signs from our GODS. I belevie in the LORD Jesus Christ and I know that we all have faith in something or some one and thats fine. YOur GOD is your GOD and mine is mine. As long as we all have FAITH!!!
I lost mine when I was young and have been trying to find it. Well I am pretty sure I am on the right road and it starts with that SUNRISE. Yes that sunrise that I see each and every morning out my bedroom window. YOu see it lets me know that my GOD has given me another day in this life to do his work. YES we are all here for a purpose and trust me I do not know what mine is and I may never know. OR can it be mine is just to be here to be here. I have done many wrongs and I have hurt many a people. I am not sure I can ever make it all ok. Yet I will pray and hope that some day when it is my turn to meet my make I have done enough to make sure I am taken to the place that he has promised.
Well I can go on and on. Yet I need to end this cause it is just I wanted folks to know that I have been thru the ringer. Yes I have been POZ for more yrs then most (20plus ) and I went thru colon cancer in 2004. I am still her. SO I figured that I am here for a reason and I need to search for that reason. And trust me getting drunk and doing drugs and staying up till all hrs of the day and going to sleep at 11 or 12 noon and waking just in time to have a beer and star tparting all over again is not the way. I now can see the revelation in the simple things in life. Like the fan belt breaking was a revelation that I need to be here at home.
SO since this will sound stupid to most I will end it here and say THANK YOU MY GOD and I am in high hope that I will see that sun rise again when I wake
GOD WILLING
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 Well ! I did it I cut my hair and donated it to Lock-Of-Love. Yes I sent 18inches of hair to them on weds and hope that some one will beifit from it. It really feels good to pay it back. You see I had the top doctors and all thru the whole ordeal and it did not cost me a cent. Yes it cost Medicaid as well as medicare. Yet they(the docotrs ) never billed me a cent for co-pays or anything . Even the hospital diod not bill me the co pays. IT cost around a million plus to go thru the whole ordeal and I do have to say it is not over yet. I still have to go for a yrly colonoscopie and well there are other digestive complication that have arisen from the chemo and radiation treatments. SO it is all connected. I spent last friday in the hospital (12hrs) cause of the internal things that the radiation did to my stomach.
Well it is great to be alive and be able to pay it foward. THe world needs to PAY IT FOWARD. For even if it is a person whom hold a door for you. YOu need to pay it foward.
Yes let some one in front of you in traffic or stop and let some one cross the street. And remember that the car behind you honking the horn is behind you and they are hinking cause they can NOT get passed. SO you are in control and it is only a horn.
Thanks FOr listening
Craig
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 Well! Hair is the subject today. Why? Well you see I started to grow my hair back on sept 30,2004. I had shaved my head bald for the last time. THe reason I was shaving my head is cause I was going thru chemo and radiation treatment for colon cancer. I did not loose all of it yet there was alot falling out. So as not to go thru more suffering. (as I saw others) with loosing my hair. I cut it all off and shaved it bald. It was a good thing for I did not even have the energy to get outa bed some days let alone care for hair. So the reason I was letting it grow is to donate it and give back to the community that was helping me out. There were doctors and nurses that were always ther eand always willing to lend an ear to my pain and suffering. Well I saw it in their eyes that they felt for me as well as for all the people that they were treating. And let me tell you I cryed as well when I say little children going thru what I was. I was 41 at the time and well even if I did not make it at least I lived some what of what life has to offer. I went to school and partied and went out to clubs and had a job and girlfriends and boy friends.
I was almost married and to tell the truth I do have a child some where. Now do not get your pannies in an uproar. I made the choice not to be part of that childs life and I still feel the same. What right I had! I gave up at 16yrs old and I do not have any right to intrude on that life now. How would you all feel after 30 yrs if some man came into your life and said" well that man that you grew up with and have called daddy is and has been lying to you" Well then they will know mom lyed and their whole family llyed. So now back to the hair.
I am going to cut it as soon as I get an appt. and donate it to LOCK OF LOVE!
Yeah it has been a heck of a time growing it and it is nice to look at and have folks compliment me on how nice it is as well as how they wish they had it. Well the woomen. Guys like it too exceppt for the men whom are bald or going bald. They think and have though I should cut it and not get it braided. We all know why. Or well I feel it is cause they can not have it. LOL!!!
Any way I am not going to cut it all off and I am not sure what style I will get. I feel that since I know the person whom will cut it and she is good. I think I am going to ask here to cut it as she see's fit for my look and face. I wish to keep it a bit long. Yet what ever has to be cut to donate it will be the amt that comes off. Ihope and pray that it will give some one whom needs it a wig to get thru the tough times of chemo and radiation.
I might even let it grow again to give it again.
Well I will post a pic of my new do when it gets cut.
All my Love to all for the HOLIDAYS
ANd A HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR TO ALL THE WORLD
Craig
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 Well the reason I call that the church rose is I got it from church.
It was two days after I found out that my Grams passed away. I was not told and found out thru the grape vine.
I found out on december 2,2008 that my Grams died on nov. 22008! And well in her remeberance I saw this Rose on the bushes out in my church court yard. So I cut it and had it on my table in my living room for a few days. It just made me think of Grams and that she was just like the rose perfect in my eyes. And yes I knew it would die just as Grams did. SHe was born in1918 and came over on a boat with my Great Grand Father and Grand Mother in 1919. They were immagraints and yes I am proud of that fact. I am a european american!!!
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 Well it is weds the 17th of december 2008! Wow I can hardly understand the things of life and yet I must be doing some thing in the right form. I mean I was first told I had hiv in 89 yet I was very sick in 1982. I was in the closet at that time. WOW! What a diferance a 1/4 centruy makes. I mean I was 19 and I had graduated high school and was able to drink cause I was grandfathered in. I use to go to the gay bar on the DL as they call it now. I would hang out at Manny's Den. New brunswick NJ. What a time was had by all. Diner Bill/ Misses C and THe owner and the rest of the crown. We would dance and drink till closing. THen the fun started. Certain select few were invited back to Diner Bills. He was a man 4yrs my senior and well I liked him and he liked me yet I feel at this age We both(i know I have) got some thing better out of become friends. I would bet a million dollars that I do not have that if we ever did anything we would not have had the times we had. THe hrs drinking wine and smoking the herb of life. WAtch tv and talking. I have not spoken with him in about a yr. He moved to Gettysburg Pa and has an antique shop as well does dress like Lincoln. ANd well I have seen picture's and thats why I never really want to see it live. Memorex wa s scary enough for me. Like they were twins.
Any way Ilearned alot of life lessons from him that other wise would have taken me yrs to learn let alone perfect. One of the greatest was take only what you need in life. If you feel you want a million yet only need a thousand. Then you may get your million yet beware of the karma for hording what other's need and can not get for you have taken more then your share>
Well I am going to think about that one here for myself. I can not read it. FOr if I do I will not post it and I need to post it as it came out of my inside.
THX'z Craig
PS
THe real time of the HIV in my body has been deterimned to at the time I was real sick and my throat was so swollan I could not swallow my own spit. I was in the hospital and they performed test after test to no avail. Now that they know what is HIV/AIDS They know I am one whom had it for many yrs. WOW! WHy me???? I feel weird. I mean there have been alot of people to die of this and yet I am still here, WHY???? I also have to ask WHY???? I went thru colo rectal cancer in 2004. I went thru hell. Chemo and radiation. WOW! Yet the WHY still keeps coming to my mind. I am on disability and I have no job and I have no family(yes the friends and aquitiances have made my family ) , AS well I never did anything so great as to be spared. YEt I am still here!!! Am I ever gonna know why or am I just gonna keep wondering going thru trials and tribulations for yrs to come. Do I have a purpose other then just existing to exist.
I feel I have a purpose and I really wish I knew what it is for me. Yet my purpose may just be to wonder about purpose.
Another one that needs alot of thought.
Well let me get off and into though so as I can come to conclusions for myself. If I keep going there will be another piece for me to contemplate.
SO SO LONG FOR I WILL WRITE AGAIN
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 Well today is today and I have to say it is a good day! For one I woke up!And well I went to brakfast this morning with some other's whom are in a group. It is an HIV breakfast group and evry sat we meet for breakfast. Well of course I can not afford to go every sat. Yet the first sat of the month is kewl cause I got a few bucks to spend. Well any way it was interesting group today. YOu see not every one shows up all the time. It is a differant cast of characters each and every week. Of course there are the die hards. Well Any way I came home and finsihed folding my lundry and put it away. Now mind you I got home at 10:50 and it is now 2:26. Well I fold and get on the web as well as go out on the balcony and look at the site's (eyecandy)! I live in a 90% latino hood. I am mixed european american ( cracker for the most part) and well I do not understand much latin language. I can pick up on a few words. I know when one is talking about me and I can say a few curse words. Well any way you know how most men of any color do not have to work out much if at all to get them cuts that just make each one of us drool. Yes I always carry napkins in the car!
Well I need to take every thing out of my curio cabinet and clean the shelfs and the mirror as well as the glass sides. So I will hit post this and go start that. And as always I am sure I will surf the web and listen to music and go out on the balcony. Hey I might even J/O cause one or two piece of that candy I have never seen before and I just want to let it all melt in my moth and it got me excited.
Love from Orlando
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 Well some day I will stop running into the brick walls at the ends of the roads I choose to travel. I am speaking of the choices I have made and will make till I die. I guess some call themm mistake and still yet others call them what ever best suits their life.
Me, Well I call them LIFE and the lesson I have as well as will learn. I figure I have learn some pretty valuble lesson as well as have had to take them courses over and over angain. I most likly will repaet some of them yet still.
You see in life it is not really what you ddo it is how you do it. Like you can eat a little extra cake on a holiday or wedding or something of a special occasion. Yet when one chooses to make every day an instance to eat cake and things. Well you get my point of it is not what you do it is how it is done. I always try to put myself on the reciving end of my actions. (For every action there is a reaction.)
I figure if I am going to get hurt by my action. Then I really do not need to do it for I do not want my plesure or advancement in life coming from aanother humans pain,sorrow, or heart ache! Now I have not always traveled this path of not wanting to hurt anyone with my actions. I use to be like well screw it. It does not hurt me and I am getting some thing out of it. And As emeril would say BAM!!! I acted. Well I would say I run up on guilt each and every day for all my past actions. And yes I do believe in KARMA! I have felt it for yrs. It is Well It is a_______________________ ! You all fill in your own words on that one!
You see I use to say " I'll Try Anything Once, If it feels Good or Pays Well, I will do it again!!!"
ANd to end this jibberish. I will say I do not think that way all that much anymore!
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 Well today is today! As well I am me and me I am! I am just confirming that fact to my self. This in a way is like pincing one self when they win the lottery.
Now lets see. Tues nite I found out that my Step father passed away back on Aug. 11, 2008! Now to say the least I then was told that one of my older brothers home burned down! Now come on that does not even compare to the great news that also came from that phone converstation. My Grand Mother (90 yrs old) passed on Nov. 02,2008!
Well then when I was told that my Mother and stepfather only lived 6 hr (driving) away in the same state. Well now I should have realized they did not have time to go all the way thru their phone book and tell everyone
, For they only moved ( well I am guessing on this) over a yr ago! I say that cause when I was in the hospital over a yr ago. I called once again to let them know I might be ckin out! Well their phone was disconnecteed. So I called my oldest brother for he bought Grams House, And I figured the ph# whould be the same. As I suspected it was and we talked. HE told me that they were having problems with the ph system that he (older bro) set up for them. SO I called the company & talk to THe big guy and he game me a ph# and I called. It was him! Oh, I apologise thats mine your mother's is two digits away. I mentioned the weird area code and he told me it a new one. Now has my mother been keeping me at arms length from my stepfather/ Or has my stepfather been keeping me at arms leangth from my mother! THis seems to be the question on my mind, And I am guessing that until I know the answer, I am not ment to know
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Well it is Black Friday according to alot of folks in this country. Why they use the words BLACK FRIDAY is unbeknow to me. Any way I ate a good Thanks Giving day dinner and had some fun. I do not talk to my family and haven't in about 20yrs. We have had 1min conversations on the phone and my younger brother did have me in his wedding in 2000! Thats cause he knew that I would be pissed if he did not and had all my other brother's in the wedding and did not invite me as well as have me in the whole ritual process.
Well anyway Bird Day was good and I even got to bring home a whole pumpkin pie. My fav!!!The only pie that could top that is Banna Cream Pie!
Well to tell you I sat around in my PJ's yesterday and did a few thing here at home. I iron my clothes and went to dinner.
And to tell you the truth I was a bit uncomfortable for they had family there as well when we all went to the other home there was even more family. That really why I left. I do not like to be in all the family thing. It just makes me sad that my family and I do not talk. They are missin out on me and my life.
I wonder if they know more of my life would they like me any more or less. I have had a tough, Yet I feel wonderful existents!!!
Well I have to make some more coffee and get dressed. Not that I have anywhere to go. Just need to do a few exercises and dress cause it make me feel better. Will post another in a few!
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My HIVPlusMen
