Well, my life is boring for most people, even though I live in two cities, I travel a lot, my work is in the fine arts, and I am a classical musician. Too many gay men today do not like the fine arts. Before HIV, men who loved the arts were everywhere.

I played in the symphony back then in a large city (10th in the nation back then); and during the concerts I would be watched like the prey of a hawk; and later, after the concert, I would be swarmed like a little Liberace at the premier disco in town. Because I am a rather private person, I always pushed these fans away when I should have embraced them at that time. I was too young and inexperienced to know what this adulation was about, and I didn't like it. I preferred a quiet approach from people, and to be left alone if it was too much at once, otherwise. I didn't realize that I had rock star status and I was totally unprepared for it.  
Besides all of that, artistry can make you isolate to regenerate your art after such racous public displays. You have to go inwards to produce greatness. That, I felt, was my lifes' journey.

Now, instead of performing, I am working as a dealer in the arts. There's a lot of angst in not knowing which direction to take when trying to start up a new business, especially when you don't hold a business degree. I am not a very public person.
What might make a difference here is the fact that I know a lot about my business, and actually have expertise in it which generates confidence; I also located myself in an area where there are no other experts in the region, so I am unopposed for a 160 mile radius, which is a good thing as well. The word is getting out there, if even slowly.

But what bothers me the most is that I am doing all of this alone. It makes for a very stressful life. Of course, nobody with a brain wants to have a partner who is going to pull them down. But it still remains that this life is spent alone. I don't know whether it's because my mother and father potty-trained me at gunpoint, or that someone tried to molest me (unsuccessfully)several times as a teenager. One can point to all sorts of events which unfold and say it is the cause of certain patterns. But at some point, it's a conscious decision to remain in the position that intimacy is difficult for me to come by. I know I am not alone in that quest, either. It's gonna take some time to work through these issues, and some patient men as well. I'm hoping to have happier days soon.

And then again, I feel that in some ways, before I felt I had to come out here to begin work, I wish I had stayed in Seattle and kept my simple life there or just eating very well nutritionally, working out daily, and feeling and looking great for my condition. However, I am finding that life here in Indianapolis is very different. In Seattle, as a friend puts it for meeting people there: "The odds are good; but the goods are odd." In Indianapolis, the people are more caring and sincere, less flaky, more willing to bend and forgive, and more focused. They might seem simpler, but they are also more available in the heart. The odds are a bit more difficult, but the people I am meeting are better choices for friendships which will last. Seattle men are only interested in one thing alone, first and foremost.

These days, because I am constantly running, I cannot do it all, and I won't even try for a while until I can give myself a new home here. I am thinking of looking at some old fashioned condos in this area which are reasonable in price. If I made a few sales, it could happen almost overnight. I lived in that building many years ago and it was a nice 2 bedroom apartment with wood floors and high ceilings, full length french doors which opened inwards and a chandelier in the dining room.

It'd be a place to land, at least. I don't know if I want a large house or not, just yet.


That's enough for today